I think I am known by friends as the crazy tan girl who is always barefoot. Let’s just say Indonesia didn’t change that, however, I learned more about who I REALLY am.
The summer before Indonesia I was really struggling with my faith. I didn’t know who God was. I had a fear that He was required perfection and that He would call me to do something with my life that I didn’t want to do. I lived in fear. Like I said, I didn’t know who God was.
All this anxiety and fear culminated one night in Indonesia. I was sitting in a dim hippie restaurant in Bingin, crying my eyes out. I was a confused, I had come to a head in my relationship with God and I wanted answers.
As I was crying out to God, begging Him to send me someone to talk to, my phone vibrated signaling that I had gotten an email. I glanced down, it was my pastor from back home. I read through his email, he was checking on me, asking how I was doing. I emailed him back everything about my situation and he said some crazy words to me:
STOP BEING GOD’S ATTORNEY
That sure stopped me in my tracks. I realized I’ve been such an attorney for God, especially in my own life. When I was doubting I would always just keep telling myself that I’m fine. God is love. God is good. Which is true, but for me, it was just words. Deep down, I didn’t believe it because I struggled with seeing it tangibly. I needed to see it. That’s why his words struck me so deeply. I needed to stop just drowning out my struggles by saying that God was love, and not actually listening to Him speaking over me His love. I needed to let Him speak for Himself, let Him reveal Himself to me.
So I did. That night I prayed, Lord, do your thing. Reveal yourself to me. I will pursue you, I will seek you out in your Word, be your own attorney.
He did. Weird, huh? Funny how when you ask for more of Him, He’ll give it to you.
He was faithful to show me His beauty, His power and strength (through the ocean), and his love through the team of people I was surrounded by. They accepted me despite my doubt and struggles. They loved me despite tears and weakness and flaws.
HE showed me who I really was…not just the crazy tan girl who was always barefoot…but the crazy tan barefoot girl WHO HE LOVED. WHO HE WAS WILLING TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO IN A WAY SHE COULD UNDERSTAND AND CONNECT WITH. WHOSE DOUBT AND HURT HE COULD HANDLE.
I AM LOVED. It is still a new concept (seriously), and it can sometimes sound really cliche to me. But it’s something I cannot deny. I am loved.
No longer am I defined by something physical, I am defined by something eternal.
I am tan (woohoo) and barefoot (yes, God), but more importantly, I am loved by God. I am a child of God. And that’s way cooler.
YOU ARE LOVED. HOW WOULD YOUR LIFE CHANGE IF YOU BELIEVED IT?